Feeling Ready to Change Your Life

Feeling Ready to Change Your Life

How do you feel ready to change your life, whether a big change or small? How do we stop pushing that point further and further along, keeping it in the vague future?


There are some practical things you can do. For instance, if you want to move to another country you would of course have to do some research and make a few plans and probably save some money.  But, there’s a point where research becomes a trap, a way to procrastinate and avoid the scary part, which is actually making the leap.

This is where so many get stuck, and it’s not for lack of desire or even commitment. Can you think of a dream you’ve been thinking about and reading about and planning for years on end?   Where is the point that it stalls? Fear.

Our fearful, critical inner minds start throwing every worst case scenario at us at such a rate and with such force that of course we feel overwhelmed.  It doesn’t help that no matter how well we plan we know we can’t predict the future.

From my experience erasing this fear is not a real option. You have to be brave. You have to walk right through and get to the other side of fear.

I tell myself I only have to be brave for long enough to do that one pivotal thing and after that I’m just following along on the new path. Maybe it’s buying that one way ticket, or giving notice at work. After that one thing, your fear will morph into a weird fear/exhilaration as every other decision will just be following along from that first big one, smoothing out the edges and preparing your landing on the other side of that big fear.

I can tell you from my own experiences of moving across the country and across the world several times, as well as changing jobs and careers, that I never approach these changes without fear. I rarely really feel ready. But every time I have managed to be brave long enough to make the pivotal decision.

After making the pivotal decision (or rather action) there is a weird in-between period you have to navigate where you’ll wonder if you’ve just made a terrible decision.  Just focus on the fact that you’re doing this, this is for real, and you’re not taking it back. This is your new life, and you’re living it even when it’s scary.

In no time you will begin to disassociate with your life before the decision. Really, it’s kind of freaky how quickly this will happen.  Every time I’ve quit a job I’ve agonized for weeks over giving notice, even when I was in really terrible work situations. Yet, after making it official I almost instantly begin to disassociate in my mind. The job begins to become a part of my past, even if I’m still working that last week. We’ve all experienced this before, as school ended.  So, if you’re still having trouble making that pivotal action, meditate on that after-feeling, how you will feel when on you’re on your way. Show your subconscious that it’s not all krakens and seas serpents in those uncharted waters.

If you’ve gone through this or have something to add, please share?

How travel increases your social skills.

How travel increases your social skills.

Picture the stereotype of a bad tourist; loud, obnoxious, asking questions about things that seem obvious to everybody else, and probably dressed a little funny for the setting as well. They are not displaying the best social skills, the ability to pick up on what’s appropriate to their setting and situation and act accordingly.  Take it down to another scale, have you ever gone to a restaurant or bar that catered to a group you didn’t feel you fit in to (think a punk club or a super-ritzy place)? That discomfort comes from not being sure exactly what to say and how to behave.

Navigating a cafe interaction.
Navigating a cafe interaction.


Learning how to navigate these fish out of water situations is a learned skill that gets better with experience.  For some of us these experiences can trigger some anxieties and fears, so you may have to go a step to further to dig in to those issues.

So, how can you do this, now, before you even embark on your next out of town adventure?

Observation exercises:

  • The next time you’re eating a meal out spend some time observing how people interact; eye contact, body language. Mentally note what patterns you see and how people react when patterns are deviated (as described in Vemkat’s article).
  • Look at different groups of people where you work and consider the codes in dress and speech that differentiate them (men, women, executives, service staff…)

It’s these exact observation tools that help you adapt to a new culture or setting. When traveling abroad, if I ever begin to feel a bit overwhelmed or like I’m being very conspicuous my best bet is to stop for a minute and just watch everyone. Taking a moment to assess the situation always reveals a good next step to take.

Read this great article on Fluent in Three months for more perspective.

If you’re already living or traveling abroad can you identify an experience you had that should have been simple, but you seemed to have done everything wrong?  Mine would be the time I tried to hug someone goodbye in Thailand (our lovely host on a village stay). Don’t do that. If I had just paid attention to the action of those around me I could have easily avoided that embarrassing situation. I wonder if that guy still looks back on that moment with horror!  Haha.

This article was prompted by an excellent, in depth article on Vemkat’s Ribbonfarm blog that you should read here.

These three easy ‘rules’ will increase your daily productivity.

These three easy ‘rules’ will increase your daily productivity.

credit: The ReflexMan  https://www.flickr.com/photos/micheleguida/5412992309
credit: The ReflexMan

Three things. Two minutes. 30 seconds.

Yes, I like easy-to-memorize rules. I’m definitely one of those people who tries to do far too much in a day and can often feel anxious, stressed, and not just a little disorganized. However, productivity does not have to mean running around like a crazy person. These three little rules ring in my head when I need them throughout the day and have gone a long way in helping me prioritize and even relax a little, while still being satisfyingly productive. I hope they help you too.

Three things. Write down a three item to-do list. No more. Sometimes I do this the evening before, if not then in the morning when I’m planning the day. Three things is manageable and helps you focus your energy throughout the day. This is really great for handling big goals-just write one small step on your three things to-do list. If I’m having trouble narrowing my mental list of a million things down to three for the day I consider 1) big wins, would one action have a big meaningful result or move something significantly forward? 2)time sensitivity paired with priority. I stress the priority here as we can be tricked sometimes into thinking something is important when it is merely urgent (like, hitting up a sale that’s about to end. It ends today but would buying some on sale clothes further your goals? maybe yes, but if not, you might consciously choose a more important task).

Side note. I got the idea of big wins from articles on Ramit Sethi’s blog and have found the concept to be extremely helpful in prioritizing tasks.

Two minutes. Can this be completed in two minutes or less? Do it now. This little exercise does a couple of things for me. For one, it clears my head of a bunch of little piddling to-dos that I will inevitably forget because they’re small tasks to begin with. Two, they give me a little feeling of rewards because, hey, at least that’s done. Also, they bring a little consciousness to how I’m spending my time.  For instance, if I’m a checking an e-mail and I know it’ll only take a minute to respond but I think to myself, “I’m too busy. I don’t have time to send even a short response to this e-mail,” then that is a little consciousness spark. “Hey, why am I checking e-mail if think I’m too busy to actually respond? Better get back to that report that I was mindlessly drifting away from…”  I also use a variation of this to tackle tasks that feel overwhelming, like organizing my clothes.  “I will spend exactly two minutes putting items from that wadded up pile on hangers”.  Voila, progress.

30 seconds. I got this idea ingrained in me when I did some construction monitoring and we had to do daily safety meetings.  The idea was, before you start any task, take 30 seconds to think about what you are about to do.  When me mindlessly go into what is a typically routine task we risk injury. (Ugh, just this week I zoned out while digging and fell. On the ground. I fell.) Over the years I’ve started applying this to my life in general with great results. Stopping at your door before heading out and thinking “OK, I’m going to work and I’m not coming home until— oh yeah, I’m going to the bank after work….” That 30 second pause is usually just long enough for my brain to say ‘hey you forgot something’ or to snap me out of some far away thoughts and bring me back to the here and now, “Oh yeah, I should be looking around while backing up and not thinking about how annoying my coworker is right now.”

These three ‘rules’, if you will, have helped me a lot in having productive, yet not too-anxious and hectic days.  If you try any of them I’d love to hear about it and if you have your own to share, please do!

What’s your hard choice?

Don’t you love TED Talks?  I just watched Ruth Chang’s TED Talk on making difficult decisions.  She really struck a nerve with me when she started to talk about the difference between floating through life, waiting to see what happens or taking the easiest route, rather than taking agency in your life.  When we make a choice, we also choose reasons to go forward with that choice, and maybe find or create more reasons.

I can certainly identify times in the past where I was afraid to choose and merely went with the flow (I think there’s a difference between choosing to go with the flow, because that’s the best next step for you and doing so out of fear). When I compare these times with other instances where I made a choice and then acted on it, driving myself down that new path, I can see the value of taking agency in my life and in my own choices.

This was a timely reminder for me, as i have been agonizing over some hard choices lately, worried about doing the wrong thing.  The points in her talk gave me some perspective and loosened the knot in my stomach.  I can see now that neither choice is inherently better, but one is better for me and I’ve been waiting around (going with the flow) hoping it would just take care of itself.  Time to get in the driver seat!

Even if things didn’t always go smoothly, it doesn’t necessarily reflect that you have made a bad choice, as there is no such thing as a guaranteed-success life path.

Have you floated along, waiting for the choice to be made for you? Can you compare that feeling with a time you made a more conscious, difficult choice? I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

Make new friends now who support your goals.

Make new friends now who support your goals.

One frustration you will discover as you make changes in your life and get excited about goals you are setting is that many of your loved ones will not respond exactly as you would hope.

You can waste a lot of time and energy trying to win people over to your ideas and turn them into the cheerleaders you wish they would be, but that energy is better served cultivating a few new relationships with people who are swimming in the same stream.

I’m certainly not suggesting you ditch your old friends or shut out family members, just manage the relationship as it is, not as you wish it were. This is a big realization when you see it for the first time and you might be amazed by how much those knots in your shoulder loosen when you stop trying to force things and stop seeking validation from people who simply cannot provide it to you at this time.

Use meetup.com or peruse Craigslist for groups meeting locally that share your new interest. Don’t worry about being a newbie, you might run into a condescending jerk from time to time but most people will be excited to talk to someone who’s interested in the same thing as they are. Join online forums about your topic of interest and start asking questions. Look for ways to share what you’ve learned with people who are even newer than you.

Sometimes, it’s not so much that you need to find someone doing what you’re doing, but rather that you just need some exposure to fresh perspectives. If you are part of a rather insular group of friends and family, all echoing the same ideas and beliefs, you can begin to feel that they represent ‘everyone’. I recommend setting up an account on couchsurfing.org. You do not have to let people stay at your home, you can just offer to meet people for coffee when they are passing through town. There will also often be potlucks and other get-togethers. You will meet people doing things with their lives you never even thought of and that can have a really energizing effect when you are exploring your own possibilities.

Couchsurfing pillow fight! This can be you; making new friends and...pummeling them! Credit: Beatrice Murch
Couchsurfing pillow fight! This can be you!
Credit: Beatrice Murch

Let your circle expand outward and get energized by the new, friendly vibes you get back.

It’s not you, it’s them.

cat looking over fence
Credit: Jenny Ondioline

But, you don’t know anyone there!

How will you get a job/husband/house?

But, you can’t even pronounce French menu items.

What will you do when your mom gets older?

These questions and comments can cut like a knife.  We’re especially vulnerable to them when we’re still working these issues out with ourselves.  Sometimes it’s genuine curiosity, but often it’s a reflection of their own fears and misconceptions.

If any of these sorts of questions make you sweat, here are a few things you can do about it:

Deflect them with some standard answers. You are not obligated to go into detail, after all, these are actually pretty personal.  My favorites include,

I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I’ll do the same thing I would here…just, there.

I don’t know, but I’m excited to see how that pans out.

That’s something we plan to work out between us.

Have a few of these in your pocket, they work!

If something someone said is still niggling at you at the end of the day sit down for a few minutes (and maybe a pen and paper) and ask yourself, is there any way this was about them and not me? Write down a few possibilities. Sure, you’re making them up and you don’t know if they’re true, but that’s the point. We never really know what someone’s thinking. The point is that we can’t be sure they’re judging or criticizing our plans. If it’s still bothering you, ask yourself, am I bothered because I don’t know the answer and think I should, or because I think their comment is true? Explore that. Is there anything you can do about it now? Is there work to be done here?

I hope this helps. You can’t control what people will say to you, but you can control what you do about it!



Single Step Life Manifesto

Single Step Life Manifesto

“When you know better, you do better.”      —Maya Angelou

Tiny dewy flower macro.
A year ago, I never would have guessed I’d be able to capture an image like this.

There may be a range of topics I devote myself to in life, in my reading, writing and in how I spend my time, but a few themes thread themselves through them all: Read more